Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize