nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
