if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The air was thick with penises
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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