Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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