The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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