I just threw up on my dentist
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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