he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
