i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
