Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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