i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
