you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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