he wants to bone in the snuggie
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
