just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
