lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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