I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
