My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
