Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
