I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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