I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
