can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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