my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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