I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
