Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
