I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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