the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
drinking out of a sandbucket again
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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