in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
