we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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