no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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