Will you blow on my dice?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
