he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
