Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
