i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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