One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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