He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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