The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
