Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
