After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
