This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
