She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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