I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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