Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
