I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
