I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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