Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
