ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
