I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
