Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
