Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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