im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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