swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
where are my eyebrows?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
