the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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