I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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