this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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