i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize