I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
