You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
