Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
