After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
