Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
